Wheel! Of!…TORTURE!

Given the name of this site, you probably already guessed that I’ve been known to watch the WHEEL from time to time. Solve a few puzzles between bites during dinner and feel like you’ve got life on EASY MODE for half an hour. What’s not to like?

Well, let’s talk about that a little. First up is the puzzle that no one has solved in decades. The one asking what your guy PAT has to do to get fired. He spins that wheel hoping to land on PINK SLIP, right? Did he just stop caring a few years ago or this is how it’s always been? I haven’t been watching long enough to know the truth and until I solve the mysteries higher up my priority list this one remains unknown.

Pat’s awful jokes and nightly attempt to wrap the show with a stand up bit probably made Trebek a fortune over the years. There’s a rumor in Hollywood that each time Jeopardy is on the fence about renewing Trebek his agent just sends them clips of Pat trying to make Vanna laugh and they double his salary for another year.

As viewers, we just see the parts of the show they leave in there; imagine the gems lost to editing. But I shouldn’t be so hard on Pat when the real puzzle involves the contestants. These are always teachers from somewhere (Goooo Somethings!) who struggle to find an adjective for their spouse before confirming that they indeed enjoy a hobby that Pat gets from spinning a miniature wheel glued to his queue card.

And THEN the show actually starts.

Do you think you’d be surprised by the number of people who have “Buy a Vowel” on their bucket list? You would. It’s sandwiched somewhere between “Be a Contestant on a Game Show” and “Get Finances in Order”.

These Midwest teachers love saying “the a/e/i/o/u”, as in “I’d like to buy THE O”. Well let me tell you something, CHEYENNE, if you’re going to be so confident about knowing which letter fits in there, maybe just skip the part where you give back money and focus on the part where you make it. I’m guessing the subject you teach isn’t math.

There’s a second rumor in Hollywood that says Vanna does the show for free but earns a commission every time someone buys a vowel. Legend has it she was a billionaire long ago and now doubles as Trebek’s agent in her free time.

Author: clownmouth

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